'When you get it wrong they’ll vocalise their displeasure con forza': Motherhood and musicianship

This article first appeared in the August 2019 edition of Classical Music.

You’re a freelance musician and you love what you do. For years it’s been just you and your musical instrument, spending hours together at the expense of social occasions and trips away. You’ve cried, laughed and seen each other through the best times and the worst.

Then real life barges in, with all its unreasonable demands. You’ve met someone special – human this time – and everything has changed.

Enter a new baby: small, loud and confusing. This is more challenging than pages of crazy cross-rhythms or fistfuls of improbable notes that previously reduced you to tears. You spend months establishing a routine with this new and complex little person, then you set about trying to fit them around your freelance life.

Here’s your first mistake: this will never, ever happen. In reality, you will rearrange your already hectic and irregular schedule around your baby’s unpredictability, inflexibility and neediness. And when you get it wrong they’ll vocalise their displeasure con forza.

There are millions of different types of baby, but broadly they fall into two categories: ‘easy’ and ‘hard’. Easy babies sleep through the night, nap reliably during the day, and accept a bottle and a cuddle from anyone who smiles at them. Needless to say, the majority of babies fall somewhere in the other category, which makes life complicated.

Enter flexible childcare: a network of paid and unpaid people whom you trust to take care of your precious bundle, so that you can go to work, often at unsociable times or at short notice. Your need to work does battle with your guilt; it’s truly heart breaking to walk out of the house when your baby is crying out for you and no one else will do.

Staying visible in the freelance business is important, because once you start turning down work your name can drop down a fixer’s list pretty quickly. There’s always someone willing to accept a well-paid gig in your place if you can’t commit, and before you know it the work has dried up and – worst case – you’ve been labelled an ‘earth mother’. The world spins quickly, and fixers want consistency, reliability and a quick answer.

Maintaining your own playing standards can be challenging, too, particularly if you’re exhausted and haven’t slept properly for months. Your concentration can be affected, along with stamina, breathing, memory and other physical aspects of performing. Added to these are the uniquely weird and wonderful hormonal changes your body goes through as it recovers from the onslaught of pregnancy.

Rehearsals present a whole new set of challenges. Some people take their babies along, which can be fun if you’re rehearsing with friends, but quite the reverse if you’re not. It might be considered unprofessional if someone is paying for your time and your baby causes a distraction. But childcare arrangements sometimes fall through. Is it possible to play the piano uninterrupted with your baby in a sling gazing up at you, legs wiggling excitedly? It’s challenging, but it can be done.

Not for the faint hearted, that’s for sure. But would you change any of it? Absolutely not. It’s a struggle and can feel chaotic, but it always seems much worse to you. People are more forgiving than you think, and many will have no notion whatsoever about the mayhem expertly concealed beneath your professional poise. You’re a performer after all.